Author: cgul(weeeeeeee)
Release date: unknown

This is the WEEKLY UPDATE vol. 7
(WUUT = Weekly Update for Unreal Tournament. A review of the top stories from the past week in the world of UT that really matter to you!)

* The WUUT sold out last week so make sure you get yours early! As well you should note that the blurtec(tm) device might be malfunctioning this week so if you see a name and you think that it wasn't supposed to be there, please forget it.

* TOP STORY: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NOOBEATER? We have sent down dozens and dozens of experienced and inexperienced reporters on the expedition to investigate the noobeater's layer. Finally, on this last effort, we got a fleeting glimpse of the noobeater.

cgul of the weeeeeeee clan is going to try to get an interview with the noobeater this evening, as he will be conceivable spending a lot of time down there hiding from hypersipher.

* ARCHON Improves! Archon has been improving his interpersonal skills and it shows. After having a long conversation with archon he told me that some players actually come into the game and try and talk with him. He is usually so shocked at this that he doesn't respond and just falls off the platform and visits Cheryl. We inquired as to who Cheryl was but he seemed very unconfortable about this topic and then just fell off the platform. Who is Cheryl?

* EYEPATCH with SPECIAL POWERS?: Last week we reported that we found an eye patch in the lost and found. Apparently that eyepatch was very special and had the ability to autmatically avoid rockets and give the wearer the ability to dodge faster. We decided that we would get one of our reporters to attempt to utilize the eyepatch and see how it works. The reporter dawned the patch and put it to the test against the awesome power of the bots. The details of the adventure is as follows:
-Aerodynamic resistance: Keeps your hair down and reduces the air interferance of the occular cavity thus improving your aerodynamic coefficient by 0.987%
-Mass: It adds about 0.674 lbs of mass to your outfit.
-Rocket Avoidance: The reporter noted that he could not be hit by a rocket when he wore the patch. (The reporter also noted later, that he doesn't remember ever getting hit by a rocket from the bots even while not wearing the patch)
-Dodging: DODGING IS FAST, but it doesn't seem to handle any better or go any faster than without the eyepatch on.
-Coolness Factor: Eh? welllll! uhhhh...okay they are kinda neat but there are better outfits.
So there it is...the eyepatch DOES effect you when you play. It gives you that confidence to kick some eyepatchless butt!!

* The FOOD, AMMO n' BABY Supplies STORE: Construction has started again due to the great efforts of the friends of dessloch and missy. Here is an artist's rendition of the store and some of the features it currently has at this point in the construction. >>This close-up picture<< is what has been built so far.
The catering side of the store has been moved to Dessloch's house for now so that they can supply the TOR2 with some good food! So for all of you who are watching the games today, please enjoy the effort that missy and dessloch have put into the food for the crowds!!

* FPH record breaks 500! Currently one very bored and isolated individual broke the 500 level in FPH by hitting an all time high of 548 fph! We aren't going to mention s3mi's name in this report as he didn't want to be identified as someone who spends far too much time hanging out with archon, chatting, and getting archon to help him break this records. When we approached Archon to ask about this amazing feat, he just pointed at s3mi and said "he is one of those guys that thinks I am real..bwhwhhahahah"


Zaphod's Interview with the top players
An interview of Dessloch:

Q. Is it true that you and Ares had a falling out?
A. All I know is Ares mad at me.

Q. Do you know why Ares is mad at you?
A. No.

Q. What is your playing strategy?
A. I use playing strategy?

Q. What is your Favorite map?
A. The one I like to fall on.

Q. Why do you like to play on 'the one you like to fall on'?
A. Me dunno...

Q. What is you favorite weapon?
A. The rocket launcher because it go boom!

Dessloch, one of the greats of the game. Thank you Dessloch for that amazing interview. Good luck and good falling!

* Dessloch and Missy's "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply" is looking for a short order cook, a dishwasher, and a diaper changer. Please attach your resumes to the end of this post, or send us some of the food that you have cooked! STILL NOT FILLED! We are doubling the salary for those who get hired!

UPDATES From LAST WEEK's Newsletter

* REH MRA Lost and Found: Someone has lost a lot of records on slotracer. Found, a lot of new records for slotracer: current UT-players records: track 1: 26.95 (clalan) track 2: 35.08 (clalan) track 3: 68.92 (clalan) track 4: 70.38 (clalan) track 5: 122.49 (clalan)

* TOR2:: On the door step! Cgul dies tonight. It will be sad to see him go, but it is a good thing really. His cgul poop all over the towers was tough for the cleaning crews at night to clean up! You can send some condolences early, or your best boastful comments for cgul to use during his match. This reporter thinks that REH MRA will be a better place without all of that FOWL language around!

* ARES: Ares is STILL upset with Dessloch.


* The academy awards went on for the longest duration in known history. It was unbelievable the amount of time they spent congratulating themselves and not once did they mention any of the real stars of UT-DEMO.

That is all for this week.

(back issues available for a small fee, very small, insignificantly small, so small you would barely even notice.)

Submissions for the WEEKLY UPDATE maybe sent somewhere.
*** Disclaimer, most, if not all of this is a complete fabrication of a very strange mind, and now, possibly even more.