Author: cgul(weeeeeeee)
Release date: unknown

This is the WEEKLY UPDATE vol. 5

* TOP STORY: SOMETHING LURKING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOWERS: Cryptic reports have been coming in about some sort of create lurking around the bottom of the towers. You can almost make out something in this photo submitted to the WUUT.
http://homepage.mac.com/seigel/creature2.jpg Rockhard has been questioned about the creature which has been named "noobeater" by some, and he says that as far as he knows it is completely impossible to have something living down there. He brought us down the back elevator to the bottom of the towers and showed us how clean and tidy it was down there and told us that we could look around if we liked. Just as we were getting back into the elevator I swear I heard some foot steps but it could have been my imagination.

* TOR2 scores: In the final championship match the score is currently tied at 9 apiece in the battle for supremecy. Our time travelling reportor has been covering the tournament in detail since it has started. "The tournament has been the most exciting tournament yet. Lots of thrills and spills and surprise victories! If I were a non-time-travelling-betting-man I would definitely be excited about this tournament. Catalyst just took another headshot from hypersipher, putting hyper in the lead with only 8.4 minutes remaining in the match. I would love to tell you more but I have already violated about 10 laws just telling you who was in the final! Have fun watching and definitely bring the kids they will love it...well except that one that got killed by a flying zaphod head, but who is counting? See you soon!"

* The FOOD, AMMO n' BABY Supplies STORE: Dessloch's plans of the store are now available online. Please follow the link at the end of this WUUT to see the beautiful plans that dessloch come up with for the store. Missy said that she would have to pretty them up a bit but that they were mostly along the lines of what she though that dessloch could do. We are all getting excited to see the breaking of the ground and the building of the store start. It has been too long without a store on the server.

* ARES and DESSLOCH -- A FALLING OUT: Since word of Dessloch's retirement and move to become a business man with partner missy has come out, there have been some definite signs of unhappiness in the bot community. Ares, a long time friend of Dessloch finally let his jealousy and frustration out in this statement, "Ares sad. Ares want store too! Ares mad! Ares was god of war in times past! Ares like missy. Ares want brain to think for self. Ares not like Dessloch no more. Ares done talking now. Ares plan secret plot to destroy dessloch. DOH! Ares inner voice still coming out of mouth! Ares runaway now in very predictable pattern!"
Well I don't think we could have said it any better than that. It would seem that the friendship is in trouble. We will keep you up to date with any developments in this story.

* BOTS IN TRAINING--THE INSIDE STORY: Last week we uncovered information about a top secret bot re-training facility. This week we talk to a secret informant that came forward with information about what was going on inside the facility. We have blurred the name using blur-tec(tm), so you can't figure out who the informant is:
(reporter) Hello there c&**&*st I was wondering if I gave you this canadian gold coloured coin, if you would spill a little information about what is going on inside.
(&at**&&*) Well I could just shoot you and keep my job or spill information and risk getting shot by the other guards here. Well since I can kick all their butts why the heck not tell some juicy information to this amazing news service.
(reporter) Well what is going on in there? Don't worry we will blur your name out so no one will find out.
(*&tal**t) Swell! Okay well we have some medieval torture devices like Welkin's Music and Voltron's "What?" generator going on in there to toughen up the bots to such auditory abuse. We also have some noobs in there to daze and confuse the bots; that seems to be working well. Then each of the guards and the other person I won't name because I wouldn't want to get SpaceShr...[doh] in trouble, take turns yelling at the bots to make them run through a course and try to avoid the barage of shooting.
(reporter) Sounds tough. Are they getting any better?
(c&**l&st) No.
(reporter) Do you think the program will help at all?
(cat&***t) No.
(reporter) Oh, well that is dumb. In fact you sound dumb. Why the...
(&****st) [loads rocket into chamber] Bye bye. [rocket takes off our reporter's head]

Well there you have it. This seems to be a waste of your hard earned UTTAX dollars! The people working there don't even believe in it! This reporter thinks that this might be a cover for someother plot. We will keep an eye on this. Meanwhile, pressure spaceshrimp to be more accountable with YOUR money!

* BOO TO SUE WUUt: After our in depth objective coverage of the betty-boo apple shampoo cheating scandal, we were served with papers that would indicate that betty-boo would like to sue the WUUT for the outrageous inflammatory comments that we said about her. Knowing how the UT legal system works (claimant [or lawyer] against defendant [or lawyer] in a 1vs.1 battle in REH MRA) we say to betty-boo, bring it on! Boo boo bi doo to you to!


* WUUT is STILL looking to hire a reporter to do interviews with some of the top players so that the noobs can get to know what they are really like. If you are interested in this position please contact cgul. Yes it is good practice for you writing and comedy skills!! Please, we are still looking!

* Dessloch and Missy's "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply" is looking for a short order cook, a dishwasher, and a diaper changer. Please attach your resumes to the end of this post, or send us some of the food that you have cooked!

UPDATES From LAST WEEK's Newsletter

* REH MRA Lost and Found would like to thank those that have returned the staff's belongings. There are a couple of items that haven't been returned, please, if you have any of these items, return them: 1. lacy garter belt, 2. "s3mi 4 pr3sid3nt" t-shirt, 3. leather thong, and 4. Mr. Killer's Real Picture.

* TOR2: as the next tournament of rockets looms closer, dessloch and missy are getting a little concerned about their ambitious offer to cater the tournament since they haven't gotten their store built yet. This will be a close one. For the first time in history, people might have to bring their own food, ammo and baby supplies to the matches themselves. Stay tuned.


* This is a section that talks about actual real things that have been happening in the world that happened to catch my attention

* If you live in canada, be warned that the tax on recordable media is going up. Items like recordable cd, dvd-r, a rio mp3 player, etc... will all go up in price in the next while. Stock up. For more information read http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/03/12/0243237

That is all for this week.

(back issues available for a small fee, very small, insignificantly small, so small you would barely even notice.)

Submissions for the WEEKLY UPDATE maybe sent somewhere.
*** Disclaimer, most, if not all of this is a complete fabrication of a very strange mind.